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The email I sent to my office regarding my stolen lunch

Good afternoon all-

Among my many talents, crafting the perfect sandwich is one I am particularly proud of (ranking just behind crafting the perfect headline). Now as everyone knows, a sandwich is only as good as its ingredients. That’s why I spend a little extra on quality meats and cheeses (that generic store-brand “meat” has no place in my food pyramid!). Of course given these current economic times, splurging on the good stuff means making cuts in other areas within my grocery budget (sorry Florida, your delicious oranges don’t make the cut.) Normally I try to mix it up a bit and pick a new meat/cheese combo to get me through the week. Last week it was peppered turkey and havarti; the week before: pastrami and swiss. But this week I figured I’d revisit my old friends ham and swiss. Hardly exciting, but delicious none-the-less.

We all have our own routines when it comes to lunch preparation. Some get it ready the night before. Some do it as soon as they wake up. And some (usually senior management (on the rare occasion they have time to eat)or trust-funders) don’t bother making lunch at all and instead enjoy a nice lunch out somewhere. Me? I make my sandwich right before I head out the door so I can be assured it is as fresh as possible.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Patrick, while I find your fondness of sandwiches mildly interesting and strangely disturbing, what does this have to do with me?”

Absolutely nothing.

Unless of course you are the individual who recently enjoyed the gastronomical delights of my Virginia Baked Ham and Swiss on wheat. Then this message has everything to do with you.

While I appreciate that you appreciate my sandwich preparation abilities – and am humbled that you chose my sandwich above all others – today’s effort was not intended for anyone save myself. In fact, had I know I was cooking for you I would have spent a bit more time and effort preparing a sandwich worthy of your discriminating culinary tastes. To be honest, at the moment I am embarrassed by the meager representation of today’s sandwich. Again, had I known I was cooking for you I would have used significantly more care in producing a sandwich that showcased this ability I speak so highly of. For that failure I am sorry.

To ensure this never happens again please let me know what I can do to bring you the best sandwich experience possible. Was the ham sliced too thin? Do you prefer a smokier swiss cheese? Is there a condiment you are particularly fond of? Let me know and I will craft a sandwich that accommodates your tastes. Additionally, please let me know which days you will be eating my sandwiches as it would be nice to know when I need to prepare an additional sandwich to meet your needs (FYI, I eat out on Fridays so you will need to make auxiliary plans those days).

Of course I could be completely mistaken in your affinity for sandwiches all together. It could be today was an aberration and you chose my sandwich because it was the first thing you saw when you opened the fridge. If that is the case it is unfortunate my effort was wasted on an individual who neither appreciates or has the gustational ability to recognize quality.

That convenience is your only demand speaks volumes of your taste and character. In fact, realizing such depresses me to a level not felt since my high-school football team went 0-9. What a truly sad life it must be to be chained to that evil temptress that is ease. And here I am just enabling that behavior. Well rest easy my friend because from now on I will not be a willing participant in your downward spiral. No, from here on out I will be placing my sandwich in the deepest recesses of the fridge. Safely out of reach of your gluttonous grasp. And while this will surely create distress on your part, you can count on the digestive regularity that the yougurts that typically occupy that fridge space will provide (you will need to provide your own spoon).

Not in to yogurt?

Well since I doubt anyone will be leaving a Big Mac and super-sized box of fries for you, I encourage you to swing by my cubicle in the event that your inconsiderate coworkers fail to bring lunch selections that meet your needs. I will be more than happy to sacrifice funds from my own meager lunch budget to ensure you stay fat and happy (besides I could stand to lose a pound or two).

Thanks!

Patrick

PS. In the likely event that you (the sandwich taker) lack the ability to recognize sarcasm allow me to clarify that I am not your mother, father, BFF or personal chef. Contrary to what you might think, my day does not revolve around making your life easier or better. Nor is it my responsibility to make sure you stay fed. Of course, should you be facing a financial hardship that precludes your ability to afford meals, please let me know and I will do whatever it is I can to help you.

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